| Home
Drawings
The Lord Of The Rings
Humour
About Me
My Banners
Links
Gallery
Guest Book
Disclaimer - Heehee.
Caption Competition
|
|
You may think "What right has she got to say it's funny?"
Indeed, some people may find it boring, absurd, or contemptable, and I have no cause to complain, for I have similar opinions of their work, or the kinds of writing they evidently prefer.
Ok, the credit should go to JRR Tolkien for that quote.
LOTR (totally clean) fan fic
I'm trying to arrange it, so please use the .... easy-to-use clicky buttons there.
Or just work your way down.
Astin Powers fic finally here!!
Site not working, this seems to be the only page I can update!
46.5 hours 'til I see FOTR again!
New Fanfic Updated 4th August
Other people's fanfic
Want to be up in.... pixels?
Have a really funny idea but no friends to listen?
Are you a sad lonely boring LOTR nerd?
Um... what was my point?
Oh yes - Send me your fanfiction!!
I will include it, and a link to your site (if you have one)
Music/Songs
Monty Python-esque
Austin Powers-esque (not to be confused with the upcoming Astin Powers)
Random
Galadriel's Gifts
Elrond's Secret Council
----------
GANDALF: Is it secret, is it safe?
FRODO: Y-
GANDALF: Is it secret, is it safe? Is it secret, is it safe? Is it secret, is it safe?
*FRODO and SAM look confusedly at each other*
GANDALF: Is it secret, is it safe? Is it secret, is it safe?
*SAM hits GANDALF with his stick*
GANDALF: Oh, sorry, I... got stuck on a loop.
-------
Unbeknown to most people, we missed the *very* start of ELROND's SECRET COUNCIL
ELROND: ...And then the barman said "Hey - that's not a duck!" -pauses to allow laughter to die down- Strangers from distant lands...
*reads from list* Elves.
*camera sweeps round to Elves*
ELROND: Dwarves.
*and on to Dwarves*
ELROND: Men.
*Now on to Men, Boromir looking v sexy*
ELROND: And... er, *looks at notes* Jedi Knights?
*shot of Yoda*
YODA: Correct, that is.
ELROND: I'm sorry?
YODA: Correct that said I is!
ELROND: What??
YODA: (slowly) That I said correct is, dumbarse!
ELROND: O...kay then, moving on.. *checks list again* and, of course, towls.
TOWLIE: Don't forget to bring a towl!
--------
SAM: Frodo, Mr Frodo!
*FRODO appears*
FRODO: What? What is it? What's wrong?
SAM: I thought I'd lost you.
FRODO: Sam, if you're going to do this every time I'm not playing hide-and-seek with you!
Now count to twenty!
-----
Galadriel's Gifts
Fellowship in Lothlorien, Galadriel giving gifts
PIPPIN: (whisper to Merry) I thought this bit was cut.
MERRY: So did I... oh well. Now *we* get presents too!
GALADRIEL: Elessar, Estel, son of Arathorn, for you I have this gift. This belonged to my daughter, she gave it to hers, she gave it back to me.... basically, no one wants it, so... here you go!
*Hands ARAGORN a book, "Cross-stitching for beginners"*
ARAGORN: Oh. Thanks(!)
GALADRIEL: Boromir, son of ... some guy with a skanky beard, for you I have this gift.
*Entire FRIENDS Series Five on video*
GALADRIEL: Ok, let's hurry this up a bit. For the elf Legolas, I have these.
*"The Ice Storm" "Sleepy Hollow" "Casper" and "The Addams Family"*
GALADRIEL: (to herself) See what you think of your girlfriend then...
*LEGOLAS looks confused*
PIPPIN: (looking at watch) Isn't it our turn yet?
GALADRIEL: For the cute little, erm, Scottish hobbit Pippin, and his indistinguishable friend, Meriadoc, I have these.
*GALADRIEL hands MERRY and PIPPIN an apple each*
GALADRIEL: Now take good care of these, they don't grow on trees you know!
Right, what else do we have here... ah yes, for Samwise.
Faithful friend, loyal companion, devoted colleague, true.... buddy.
(to camera) And he cooks, cleans and does the garden! What more could you want?
CELEBORN: *cough* *cough*
GALADRIEL: Oh, sorry dear. For Samwise, I have this inhaler.
SAM: Lady, your generosity is incompatible.
GALADRIEL: *Incomparable* Mikey. I mean, *Samwise*.
SAM: Incomparable, that's what I said!
GALADRIEL: Last of all, Frodo. For you, Ring-bearer, I have this slinky.
If you ever reach your journey's end, put it right at the top of Mount Doom and it'll go for miles!!
--------
I have a theory that palatiri are actually Lucky 8 Balls!
Sauron: Will I ever be ruler of Middle-earth?
*shakes ball*
Sauron: Ask again later. Dammit!
------------
FRODO: Would you like a tea-cake?
GANDALF: You cannot offer me this tea-cake!
FRODO: I am giving it to you!
GANDALF: Don't tempt me! I dare not take this tea-cake, even to keep it safe.
FRODO: Ok, okay. How about a sandwich?
GANDALF: You cannot offer me this sandwich!
FRODO: I haven't even made it yet!
SAM:(from outside) Thro-o-ow the te-e-e-a-ca-a-a-ke ou-u-u-t the windo-o-ow!
GANDALF: What was that?
*pause*
SAM: (from outside) Woof, woof.
*FRODO and GANDALF look quizzically at each other*
----------------
GANDALF: I don't know how long they tortured him, but amid the endless screams and inane babble, they heard these words. Filming. New Zealand.
FRODO: But that would lead them here!
*Rabble of crazed Tolkien fans kill a producer*
FRODO: But we cannot stay here!
GANDALF: No, no we can't.
FRODO: What must I do?
GANDALF: You must go, and go quickly. Make an excuse so it works... *nods to camera*
FRODO: Ok, okay, I shall go and.... take... this Ring!
GANDALF: Ooh, that's a good one!
FRODO: An evil, erm, powerful Ring, into the very heart of....of.....
SAM: (from outside) Mo-o-o-o-rrdo-o-o-or!!
FRODO: Yes, Mordor! And I'll take some comic relief, I mean, close friends, and some rugged manly man.
GANDALF: Who *gets idea* is heir to the throne!
SAM: (jumping up so he's visible in the window) And he's in love with an Elf!
GANDALF: Confound it all, Samwise Gamgee, have you been......... spelunking?
*confused pause*
SAM:I ain't been down no caves, sir, honest! I was just eavesdropping, under the window, if you follow me.
*Holds up recording equipment as proof*
SAM: Please, sir, don't leave me here to face the fans alone, they're ... unnatural.
GANDALF: No? Perhaps not. The Webmistress has a better idea for you.
*Cut to SAM massaging the WEBMISTRESS'S shoulders*
GANDALF: (V/O) One within the story!
*BACK*
GANDALF: That's better.
------------------
SAM: Yetthhhhh mathhhhter??
FRODO: Erm, Sam, you don't have to be an *evil* man-servant!
SAM: Oh, right, sorry.
----------
PIPPIN: Hey - we could play hide-and-seek!
*ARAGORN throws apple at PIPPIN - he falls over*
-----------
SAM: I think I'll just have another ale.
PIPPIN: It comes in pints? I-
*MERRY dunks PIPPIN's head in the washing-up bowl*
------------
*ORCS rush into BALIN's tomb shouting "WASSUUUUUUP??"*
FRODO: Oh god, not that catchphrase again! I'm sick of that, er...... ale...... advert.
PIPPIN: It comes in pints? I'm-
*SAM hits PIPPIN with a pan*
------------
BOROMIR: You were brought up with Elves, right?
ARAGORN: (guessing) Erm... yes.
BOROMIR: And unaware of your lineage, until...
*Flashback to ELROND and ARAGORN*
ARAGORN: (v/o) Hey, you can't flashback *my* life!
BACK
ARAGORN: That's better! (to GIMLI) How does he know all this stuff anyway?
GIMLI: Probably read the Appendix. Why, didn't you?
ARAGORN: (lying through his teeth) Oh, yeah, yeah! Course, course I did...
BOROMIR: Sam, how's Elanor?
*But, before any more crucial plotlines are revealed, quick-thinking LEGOLAS shoots BOROMIR with 3 arrows, then looks innocent and points to an Orc-Goblin*
--------
Fellowship having a night in.
MERRY: Shall we get a video out?
ALL: Yeah, good idea.
*pause*
PIPPIN: Hey, how about - no, that's not 'til August 6th... *to camera* When it'll be available in all good video stores!
FRODO: Well, what are we going for - comedy, thriller, Harry Potter?
SAM: I don't want to see no more magic...
*pause*
ARAGORN: Psycho?
*silence*
BOROMIR: Bond film?
*silence*
ARWEN: Armageddon?
*they all look at her*
FRODO: Don't you mean Deep Impact?
ARWEN: Armageddon.
FRODO: (dangerously) Deep. Impact.
ARWEN: Fine(!) I'm leaving. And by the way, *Estel* - that Psycho update was utter rubbish!
ARAGORN: But, but... weren't you frightened?
ARWEN: Not nearly frightened enough!
*she leaves*
GANDALF: Well, how about something more intellectually challenging?
MERRY: (sarcastically) What, like X-Men?
GANDALF: Do not take me for some conjuror of cheap tricks!!
MERRY: I'm not!
*pause*
GANDALF: Oh. Ok then. And I was refering to Richard III!
GIMLI: I've always preferred Macbeth, myself.
LEGOLAS: I though Dwarves didn't like Macbeth!
GIMLI: There is one dwarf yet in Moria who likes Macbeth!
*silence*
PIPPIN: How about.... A Beautiful Mind?
GANDALF: Fool of a Took!!
ARAGORN: Do not *speak* of such things!
*pause*
SAM: Hey, how about The Goonies?
FRODO: Only if you stop getting out that damn inhaler!
*others still in discussion*
LEGOLAS: Why not... Wilde?
PIPPIN: Oh no. We don't want this turning into slash fanfiction.
*everyone agrees, various people throw virtual bricks at the webmistress*
SAM: (to Frodo) Mr Frodo? What's 'slash'?
FRODO: *pause* Erm.... why don't you go and ask Gandalf.
SAM: (to Gandalf) Um... Mr Gandalf sir? What's 'slash'?
GANDALF: Do not take me for some conjuror of cheap tricks!!
SAM: I'm not!
GANDALF: *pause* Oh. Well in that case.... slash, eh? Erm... oh, look - the Fratelli brothers!
SAM: (panicked) Where? *looks around, ducks behind sofa*
*Meanwhile*
BOROMIR: It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing... such a little thing...
ARAGORN: Boromir! Have you got a suggestion, or are we going to have to watch Deep Impact again?
BOROMIR: How about a football film?
SAM: *popping up from behind the sofa* Rudy!
BOROMIR: No, I said *football*.
SAM: That *is* football!
BOROMIR: Yeah, yeah, whatever(!)
*pause*
ELROND: What about The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert?
HOBBITS: Who invited him??
ARAGORN: Erm.
*rolling of eyes, some mutterings of 'sucking up to future Father-in-Law'*
FRODO: Hey, I notice you two hobbits have been rather... quiet? *stifled laugh*
*Merry and Pippin look at each other*
MERRY: Well..
PIPPIN: I don't care what film we watch, as long as we get pizza with it! And popcorn, like we had last week. And those chocolates the week before...
MERRY: *Yes* Pippin!
*pause*
GIMLI: How about a nice adventure film? Maybe a Spielberg? He's always been a favourite of mine.
BOROMIR: It's not a mine, it's a tomb.
*three people throw arrows at him, he staggers out with gasps of "I'll.... go... get the.... pizza..."*
GIMLI: So, how about it then? A nice Spielberg adventure film?
SAM: The Goonies?
ALL: *No* Sam!
FRODO: And not Indiana Jones... *no more* Harrison Ford!
SARUMAN: Not even in Star Wars? I thought he was very good in Star Wars! Though I do prefer the modern ones better...
FRODO: NO! And would you please leave?!
*Saruman leaves*
FRODO: (incredulous) Are there any more non-Fellowship members, hiding behind chairs perhaps??!
*Bilbo, eight Orcs, two Nazgul, Rose Cotton, Tom Bombadil, Dale Winton and Barliman Butterbur all get out from various hiding places and start to leave*
TOM BOMBADIL: *muttering to himself* Peter didn't want me, you don't want me... nobody wants me....
SAM: (to Frodo) Can't Rosie stay?
FRODO: Sam, she is the bane of all slash fanfiction writers! She isn't supposed to be here until... Christmas 2003, you're too shy to talk to her, *and*, according to the Appendix, you have plenty of time to... *Dr Evil-eque* "get acquainted?" *pause*
SAM: So is that a 'no' then?
*The non-Fellowship have all left now*
*pause*
FRODO: So, do we know what we're going to watch yet?
*drunk from outside the Prancing Pony wanders past the window coughing loudly what sounds very much like "The Frighteners"*
MERRY: I'll check tonight's TV listings.
PIPPIN: *pause* I think I'll just have another ale...
SAM: HEY! That's my..! Oh, *fine* then, 'It comes in pints? I'm getting one!'
*Sam and Pippin glare at each other*
*silence*
ARAGORN: Well, isn't this fun? All men together.
ELROND: Men? Men are *weak*.
*awkward silence*
*drunk from outside the Prancing Pony wanders past again, now coughing what could be "Heavenly Creatures"*
FRODO: (carefully) You know... it looks quite..... cold out. Very, in fact.
*general murmurs of agreement*
FRODO: *pause* And it looks like it might ... rain. Quite heavily. *pause* So, very cold, and heavy raining.
*everyone now looking at him*
FRODO: Know what that means?
*pause*
FRODO: The Ice Storm. The *Ice* *Storm*!! Geddit?! Gedddit?!
*rolling of eyes, Sam looks confused*
*pause*
*more pausing*
PIPPIN: (quietly) You think we should -
FRODO: Give him a minute, he'll get it.
*pause*
*yet more pausing*
SAM: Oh. OH! Ahah! That's a good one, Mr Frodo!
*everyone looks relieved*
SAM: 'Cause you said it was cold, so that's ice, and heavy rain, and, that, haha, that's storm!!
FRODO: (smiling) *Ok*, Sam.
SAM: And, hahahahahh! And *you*, *you* were in that film, The Ice Storm!! Ahhahahahhahhah! Oh that's a good one Mr. Frodo...
*deadly silence*
SAM: *wipes tears from eyes* What? What is it? All I said was, that was *you* in that film... oh dear.
*loud explosion*
*from somewhere in the darkness*
PIPPIN: That's nice, ash on my tomatoes!
---------------------
BILBO: No thank you! We don't want any more well-wishers, visitors or distant relations!
GANDALF: How about...... insurance salesmen?
BILBO: No!
GANDALF: The Avon Lady?
*silence*
GANDALF: Raffle-ticket sellers? Window cleaners? Freelance hairdressers!
BILBO: No *thank* you!
*The Shire - 5 hours later*
GANDALF: Er... mutated rodents who have formed a contemporary folk band?
*gets an idea*
Mellon!
BILBO: Now there's no need to get personal!! *opens door* Gandalf! Come in, come in... Hey, have you seen a contemporary folk band?
*GANDALF hits head on beam repeatedly in despair*
BILBO: Would you like an assortment of fridge-magnets?
GANDALF: Just tea, thank you.
*Looks at some papers on BILBO's table entitled "World Domination-a 5 year plan" and a book, "Mordor-made life lengthening Rings and me: this sort of thing is my bag, baby"*
GANDALF: Hmm... wonder if I should report this...
-----------
After the Buckleberry Ferry, the Hobbits stop off at a fairground down the river
TOM BOMBADIL: Choose your prizes!
SAM: The Elven Knives! The Elven Knives!
BOMBADIL: (whisper) Sorry kid, this is the film version. (loud) Er, sorry, the last customer got those - tall guy, bit, er (indicates he was a fruitloop), thought he was going to be King!
(laughs) The people we get around here!
Anyway, if you want to catch up with him, I think he was heading to Bree. Or was it Cheddar... I don't know cheese...
Back to top
------------
------------
SAURON: (to the music of Abba's Ring, Ring)
All alone in Barad-dur,
Am I evil? That's for sure!
But by myself I sit and wait and wonder, without you.
It's a dark and dreary night,
Seems like nothing's going right,
Won't you tell me, precious, how can I go on here without you?
Yes I'm down and feeling blue,
And I don't know what to do, so
Ring, Ring, Why don't you give me a call?
Ring, Ring, That'd be the sign of them all...
*shot of Nazgul go-go dancing behind Sauron*
--------
(To the tune of Shania Twain's "That Don't Impress Me Much")
I known some guys who thought they were pretty cute,
But you've got being girlie down to an art,
You think you're a model
You drive me up the wall,
You're a regular original, know it all!
Oooh, you think you're special,
Ooooh, you think you're something else.
Ok, so you're an Elven Prince?
That don't impress me much, oh oh oooh,
So ya, walk on snow
But have you, got the touch?
Na na don't me wrong, yeah I think you're all right
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night...
That don't impress me much!
Ooh ooh...
I never knew a guy who carried an frying pan in his pocket,
And a wok up his sleeve, "just in case"
And those half a dozen eggs in that cake oughta lock it,
Cos heaven forbid it should fall outa place!
Oooh, you think you're special,
Ooooh, you think you're something else.
Ok, so you're Frodo's slave?
That don't impress me much, oh oh oooh,
So ya know how to cook
But have you, got the touch?
Na na don't me wrong, yeah I think you're all right
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night...
That don't impress me much.
Or one of those guys who says he's heir to the throne,
And makes me swear my allegiance before you let me go home,
I can't belive you kiss your sword goodnight,
So come on baby tell me - you must be joking, right?
Oooh, you think you're special,
Ooooh, you think you're something else.
Ok, so you're Isildur's Heir?
That don't impress me much, oh oh oooh,
So ya, got the sword
But have you, got the touch?
Na na don't me wrong, yeah I think you're all right
But that won't keep me warm in the long, cold lonely night...
Yeah...
Ok, so you're bearing the Ring?
That don't impress me much, oh oh oooh,
So ya, got to carry this object of unspeakable evil and destruction to the very heart of Mordor and cast it into Mount Doom, whilst being chased by Nazgul, not being able to trust even your closest friends and constantly having to resist the urge to put it on?
.....But have you, got the touch?
---------------------
Remember Mambo No5?
*opening music*
A little bit of Boromir in my life,
A little bit of Aragorn by my side,
A little bit of Pippin's what I need,
A little bit of Frodo's what I see,
A little bit of Samwise in the sun,
A little bit of Merry all night long,
A little bit of Legolas here I am,
A little bit of you makes you my man....
RoaR!
------
I suddenly had a vision of Gollum as Tom Jones.
And he sang this.
*music*
It's not unusual to smoke pipes with anyone,
It's not unusual to hunt orcs with anyone
But when I see you've stolen my precioussss little Ring,
It's not unusual, to see me cry...
LOST! MY PRECIOUSS IS LOSSSST!
Back to top
-------------
(In the field)
FRODO: Sam, we're still in the Shire! What could possibly happen?
*MERRY and PIPPIN burst out both dressed a la Monty Python, with nice red costumes and everything*
MERRY: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
PIPPIN: What's the meaning of this?
SAM: You've been in Farmer Maggot's dressing-up box!
*PIPPIN hands SAM the COMFY CHAIR. They all start running from Farmer Maggot*
MERRY: I don't know why he's so upset, it's only these costumes!
PIPPIN: And those Nurses outfits last week, they had stethescopes and eveything! And that gorilla suit...
*SAM, unable to see over the COMFY CHAIR knocks everyone off the cliff*
(At the bottom)
*PIPPIN sees a pit with LARA CROFT skewered on 6ft tall spikes*
PIPPIN: OOh, that was a close one!
MERRY: I think I broke something...
*Holds up green novelty Elton John-esque glasses*
----------------
SAM: Please, don't turn me into anything... unnatural.
FRODO: He turned me into a newt!
*SAM and GANDALF both turn to look at him*
FRODO: *pause* I got better.
---------
(Very obviously copied and badly adapted, but never mind...)
HEAD KNIGHT: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
FRODO: Who are you?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say... Ni!
FRODO: No! Not the Knights Who Say Ni!
HEAD KNIGHT: The same!
SAM: Who are they?
*SAM takes a puff on his inhaler*
PIPPIN: Wait a minute - you shouldn't have that yet!
MERRY: Yeah, we've only just met up - we haven't even met Strider yet!
SAM: That's evident.
PIPPIN: Irrelevant, Mikey! Er, Samwise.
SAM: But we've already got the gifts - look back up the fanfic.
MERRY: Well, fair enough, but it's not chronologically accurate is it?
SAM: Don't blame me - I'm ficticious! Tell it to the webmistress.
MERRY: Well, that's true. She does put some weird stuff in...
SAM: Why do you think I'm only wearing a swimsuit right now? I can't even swim!
FRODO: Er, guys - back to the scri- I mean, reality.
HEAD KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Nuu-wom!
RANDOM: Nuu-wom!
PIPPIN: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
HEAD KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!
FRODO: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travellers who seek the pub owner who lives beyond these woods.
HEAD KNIGHT: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
FRODO and PARTY: Oh, ow!
HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say 'nee' again to you if you do not appease us.
SAM: Well, what is it you want?
HEAD KNIGHT: We want... a shrubbery!
-----------
PIPPIN: Why did you look so guilty when Galadriel looked at you, Sam? I hope it was no more than a wicked plan to steal one of my blankets.
SAM: I never thought no such thing. If you must know - I felt like I hadn't got no clothes on, and I didn't like it.
(Webmistress grins to herself - she liked it)
FRODO: Oh guys - don't start bringing in lines from the book!
SAM: Sorry. *puffs on inhaler*
FRODO: Sam - stop bringing that thing out!!
------
STARRING: Michael Palin as F.G. Superhobbit
(I know I keep changing my mind about who should be FG Superhobbit, but then - who could play it but Michael Palin?)
Voiceover: This hobbit is no ordinary hobbit. This is Mr. F G Superhobbit. To all appearances, he looks like any other law-abiding citizen. But Mr F G Superhobbit has a secret identity. When trouble strikes at any time, at any place, he is ready to become... BICYCLE REPAIR HOBBIT!
Boy: Hey, there's a bicycle broken, up the road.
Bicycle Repair Hobbit: Hmmmmm. This sounds like a job for... Bicycle Repair Hobbit. But how to change without revealing my secret identity?
Superhobbit 1: If only Bicycle Repair Hobbit were here!
Bicycle Repair Hobbit: Yes, wait, I think I know where I can find him. Look over there!
Caption: FLASH!
Superhobbits 1-3: Bicycle Repair Hobbit, but how?
Superhobbit 1: Oh look... is it an Elf-maiden?
Superhobbit 2: Is it a strategically shaven dwarf?
Superhobbit 3: Is it Pippin in that gorilla suit again?
Superhobbits 1-3: NO! It's Bicycle Repair Hobbit!
-----
ARAGORN: Are you frightened?
FRODO: Um, not really.
ARAGORN: Oh, ok, hang on a sec.
MWAH HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!! No?
*ARAGORN gets out a Mary Poppins-esque bag, takes out and puts on a long black cloak, a pair of fangs and slicks his hair back*
ARAGORN: *dodgy Russian accent* How about now?
Needs more?
*Gets out Darth Vader helmet*
ARAGORN: *breathing*
*YODA levitates out of bag*
YODA: Strange, that one is.
*ARAGORN shoves YODA back in the bag and starts running round the room making "WHOOOOOO WHOOOOOOO" 'ghost' noises
SAM, PIPPIN and MERRY burst in (in nice red costumes) through the door, which slams in ARAGORN's face and knocks him out*
SAM: Nobody expects...... oh. Where did he go?
--------
Aragorn is in Bree, and is getting disgusted with nobody trusting him and everyone going on about scruffy-looking rangers.
He sings this strange tune with the backing of the
four hobbits.
Aragorn: I didn't really want to be a ranger! I wanted to be a lumberjack!
Leaping from tree to tree, as they float down the mighty waters of the Brandywine! With my best girl by my side!
The larch! The pine! The majestic Mallorn! The Little Whopping Rule Tree!
We'd sing, sing, sing!
I'm a Dunedan and I'm okay
I sleep all night, I bash orcs all day
Hobbits: He's a Dunedan and he's okay
He sleeps all night, bashes orcs all day
Aragorn: I bash some orcs, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatree
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And I have lembas for tea
Hobbits: He bashes orcs, he eats his lunch, he goes to the lavatree
On Wednesdays he goes shoppin'
And he has lembas for tea
Pippin (speaking): Could we have some now? I'm hungry! (Pippin is shushed)
(Chorus)
Aragorn: I bash some orcs, I hang with elves, I know my herbs and flowers
I also pick up hobbits, and hang around in bars
Hobbits: He bashes orcs, he hangs with elves, he knows his herbs and flowers
He also picks up hobbits... and hangs around in bars????
Sam (speaking): Are you sure we should trust him, Mr. Frodo?
(Chorus)
Aragorn: I bash some orcs, I wear high heels, suspendies and a bra
I wish I'd been a girly, like Arathorn my Pa
Hobbits: he bashes orcs, he wears high heels, suspenders, and a ...BRA?
(song breaks off)
(everyone in the common room starts insulting Aragorn and making remarks about Pervy Hobbit Fanciers)
Arwen: Oh, Estel, I thought you were so rugged!
Hobbits: He's a Dunadan and he's okaaaaaaaaaaay!
He sleeps all night, bashes orcs all day!
--- Thank you Floria for that, floriachick@yahoo.com
--------
Aragorn is in Bree, and is getting disgusted with nobody trusting him and everyone going on about scruffy-looking rangers.
He sings this strange tune with the backing of the
four hobbits.
Aragorn: I didn't really want to be a ranger! I wanted to be a lumberjack!
Leaping from tree to tree, as they float down the mighty waters of the Brandywine! With my best girl by my side!
The larch! The pine! The majestic Mallorn! The Little Whopping Rule Tree!
We'd sing, sing, sing!
I'm a Dunedan and I'm okay
I sleep all night, I bash orcs all day
Hobbits: He's a Dunedan and he's okay
He sleeps all night, bashes orcs all day
Aragorn: I bash some orcs, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatree
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And I have lembas for tea
Hobbits: He bashes orcs, he eats his lunch, he goes to the lavatree
On Wednesdays he goes shoppin'
And he has lembas for tea
Pippin (speaking): Could we have some now? I'm hungry! (Pippin is shushed)
(Chorus)
Aragorn: I bash some orcs, I hang with elves, I know my herbs and flowers
I also pick up hobbits, and hang around in bars
Hobbits: He bashes orcs, he hangs with elves, he knows his herbs and flowers
He also picks up hobbits... and hangs around in bars????
Sam (speaking): Are you sure we should trust him, Mr. Frodo?
(Chorus)
Aragorn: I bash some orcs, I wear high heels, suspendies and a bra
I wish I'd been a girly, like Arathorn my Pa
Hobbits: he bashes orcs, he wears high heels, suspenders, and a ...BRA?
(song breaks off)
(everyone in the common room starts insulting Aragorn and making remarks about Pervy Hobbit Fanciers)
Arwen: Oh, Estel, I thought you were so rugged!
Hobbits: He's a Dunadan and he's okaaaaaaaaaaay!
He sleeps all night, bashes orcs all day!
--- Thank you Floria for that, floriachick@yahoo.com
Want to be up in.... pixels?
Have a really funny idea but no friends to listen?
Are you a sad lonely boring LOTR nerd?
Um... what was my point?
Oh yes - Send me your fanfiction!!
I will include it, and a link to your site (if you have one)
Back to top
----------
NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW
TODAY (Sunday 4th August)
(V. Likely to be subtly adjusted and added to)
--------
Astin Powers -
International Sam of Mystery
After three thousand years, Dr. Evil-Eye, Lord Sauron was un-frozen. There was only one option, to use the best agent the Hobbiton Special Service had - Astin Powers, International Sam of Mystery.
Note: if you haven't seen Goldmember, there may be some spoken lines from the film, but not whole plot lines. Also, this will not in any way ruin TT or ROTK. Ok? Also: although I cast Pippin as Fat Bastard, I still love him, and the scarf.
Sam -- Astin Powers
Frodo -- Frodo Kensington
Elrond -- Basil Exposition (Boss)
Gimli -- Guy who gives Astin his stuff back
Aragorn -- Himself
Boromir -- Scott Evil-Eye
Sauron -- Dr. Evil-Eye
Saruman -- Number 2
Arwen -- Frau Farbissina (sp)
Pippin -- Fat Bastard
Legolas -- A Fembot
Gandalf -- Special Agent Gandalf
Merry -- Goldmerry
*FILLER: 60's music, dancing girls and Sean Astin in 60's clothes on screen*
ELROND: Hello Astin, welcome to the Third Age! Your mission is to hunt down Dr. Evil Eye and destroy this ring! Here is your assistant, our best agent, Frodo Kensington, with whom you shall have sexual tension!
*Slow-motion entrance by Frodo in sexy dress*
ASTIN: Well hello baby... *to self* They really couldn't get better than this guy? I'll have to stay 'til the end of the credits and check who did the casting...
FRODO: Erm, hello Mr Powers!
ASTIN: Oh come on, you can do better than that.
FRODO: Well, all right, Sam.
ASTIN: No, no, no, no...... Sam's my middle name...
FRODO: Right. Well, Astin, if you follow me, we'll collect the items you left here when you were frozen.
GUY: The personal effects of Astin 'Sam' Powers: One pipe, one trowel, one...inhaler... how did that get in this fiction? Oh well... pots and pans with 'Hobbit' symbol, and one Shire-made carrot-enlarger pump.
ASTIN: Hey - how did that get in here? Someone's playing a trick on me, I swear, baby, that's not mine.
GUY: One operating manual for Shire-made carrot-enlarger pump...
ASTIN: My vegetables are purely organic, baby!!!
GUY: One receipt for Shire-made carrot-enlarger pump, signed by, Astin Powers.
ASTIN: This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby!!
GUY: One book, 'Shire-Made Carrot-Enlarger Pumps and Me - This sort of thing is my bag, baby!' written by Astin Powers.
ASTIN: Ah. *pause* Look, ok, I'll take them all, just to move it along...
FRODO: Tell me, Mr Powers, looking at all that, you must do a lot of gardening.
ASTIN: Are you kidding? I put the 'GRRRRR' in 'gardener', baby, yeah!!!
Dr Evil-Eye’s Underground Lair
SARUMAN: Welcome back Dr Evil-Eye! This is your new command centre, just as you requested!
SAURON: Is it a hollowed out hill in the Shire like I asked for?
SARUMAN: Of course!
SAURON: Good. Ok, people, my plan is simple. I lure Astin Powers into an easily escapable situation involving 20 dragons, and one inept Cave Troll. *finger to eye in cunning grin type way*
SARUMAN: *cough* Erm, sir, about the dragons. Since you were frozen, they've been put on the endangered species list. We’ve had a lot of trouble getting hold of them.
SAURON: Ok, what do we have?
SARUMAN: Apples.
SAURON: Apples.
SARUMAN: They are *dangerous*
apples. Tests show that in 6/10 shots, people fail to catch them.
SAURON: They fail?
SARUMAN: Oh yes, and get hit on the head and fall over. It's really quite amusing.
SAURON: They fall over... Ok, new plan. I shall tell Lord Elrond that his only daughter Arwen and the man he trusted into his house, Aragorn are carrying on an illicit affair!!
SARUMAN: *ahem* Erm, sir? The Lady Arwen, Undómiel, Evenstar of her people, in whom some say the likeness of Lúthien Tinúviel is seen again in her beautiful...
SAURON: *cough cough*
SARUMAN: Sorry sir. ...and, and Aragorn
SAURON: Who?
SARUMAN: Heir to the throne of Gondor?
*blank look from Sauron*
SARUMAN: Isildur's Heir? Um... ooh, ok, ok, the one who is a man, but isn’t Sean Bean.
*confused look*
SARUMAN: The guy you were just talking about!
SAURON: OH!
SARUMAN: Yeah, that guy... who’s known round some pants, I mean, parts, as Strider, are "together" and Lord Elrond knows. *to himself* As does anyone who bothered to see the film...
SAURON: Ok, what am I paying you frikkin' disembodied minions for? I'm the boss! Need the info. Oh hell let's just do what we always do! Send out my inept evil henchmen, disguised as Men in Black (quick riff of "Men In Black" theme music) to find and kill the one who carries *MY* RING, and then, I shall capture Astin Powers and hold him hostage for...... *suspense builds, finger hits Sauron in eye* ONE MILLION GOLD PIECES!
All: *Manic Laughter* *More maniacal laughter*
SAURON: As well as my "Men In Black" (music from somewhere "Here come the Men In Black... they've all been dismembered..."), I shall send one of my special agents. His name? Fat Bastard.
*Enter Pippin*
PIPPIN: I ate a Balrog!
SAURON: Riiiiight...
The Road To Riventhames
FRODO: Astin, where are we? How much further to Riventhames?
ASTIN: I'm not sure, baby! Hurm, according to my estimates, we're hopelessly lost in a deserted forest that we may have to repopulate!
FRODO: Not now, Astin!
ASTIN: Hmm, Riventhames should be just a little bit further down this road; I hope we don't run in to any of Dr. Evil-Eye's orcs!!!
*Orcs suddenly spring from all around*
ASTIN: Do those orcs make you horny baby?
FRODO: Not now, Astin! And besides, they've got worse teeth than you!
ASTIN: Ouch baby, VERY ouch.
*Aragorn and Boromir leap from behind a tree and save them*
ASTIN: What took you so long?
ARAGORN: Well,
ARAGORN: and then I said, what fish?
*confused pause*
FRODO: What just happened?
ASTIN: That bit must've been edited out.
Or it was stolen... by great dirty dwarves!
FRODO: Astin, we're not at war with the Dwarves anymore. And they have surprisingly high levels of hygiene! So, Scott, Aragorn, what were you doing in the middle of the forest?
ASTIN: Or shouldn't we ask? Eh? Eh?
FRODO: Oh Astin! Honestly...
ARAGORN: No, I was just brooding in an interesting, manly way.
BOROMIR: Yeah, me too. Y'know, kinda like Angel from Buffy, and... Angel.
ASTIN: Hang on, should TV exist here?
*an uncharacteristically quick-thinking Nazgûl runs up with a sword and stabs Astin*
BOROMIR: I'm off to secretly desire the one Ring. Bye!
He leaves. Enter Arwen*
ARWEN: Hello, I'm an elf.
FRODO: She's an elf!
ARWEN: Oh, he is hurt; ve must take him to my fasser.
ARAGORN: Oh, the guy in Aerosmith?
ARWEN: NO! My fasser - Lord Elrond.
All: Oh.
ARWEN: I'll take Astin.
ASTIN: Well hello baby.
ARWEN: Don't get any ideas, Mr Powers. In fact, let me put it like this
*starts singing* I fell in love with a beautiful Ranger... (ok, I don't know the words, so sue me)
Dr Evil-Eye's Underground Lair
ARWEN: Doctor, since you were frozen, there have been amazing technological advances in the field.
SAURON: The field of...?
ARWEN: Fields.
SAURON: Riiight.
ARWEN: But since you mention it, we have developed a new kind of android replicant.
SAURON: Oh yes?
ARWEN: Bring in the femBOTS!!!
*everyone jumps*
*Enter the fembots*
SAURON: Erm, Frau?
ARWEN: Ah, Doctair?
SAURON: These are my Ringwraiths with blonde wigs on.
*pause*
ARWEN: Yah.
SAURON: Oh. Mwah ha ha.... ha. *pause* No, I can't do it, this is just ri-god darn-diculous.
ARWEN: Vell... ve do haf one other fembot... BRING IN ZE OTHER FEMBAAAAAT!!
*Enter Legolas*
SAURON: Ah, that's more like it.
ARWEN: No one can resist his charms. Plus the blonde hair and tight little arse helps a lot.
SAURON: Don't you mean - he has a butt like granite?
ARWEN: It should be, but due to international copyright law, it's not.
SAURON: Still, we should say it is.
ARWEN: But it's not. *winks at camera*
Riventhames, Basil's Secret Council
Attendees: Basil, Frodo Kensington, Astin Powers, Scott Evil, Special Agent Gandalf, Fat Bastard, Goldmerry, Aragorn, some cleaning staff to make up the numbers
Various cleaning staff: It’s Astin Powers!!! *screams*
ELROND: Blah blah Ring, dangerous, DOOOOOMMM!!! Now, who's going to take it to Mordor?
BOROMIR: Why don't you just use the time machine, go back and get Isildur to throw it in Mount Doom?
ELROND: How 'bout - no, Scott! Ok?
*pause*
ELROND: Tell you what; all except the cleaning staff and me should go on a perilous quest to take the Ring to Mordor.
ASTIN: Ok, but if we go to destroy the Ring, how come Frau is here *and* there, Dr Evil-Eye is in the Shire, and if Scott is Dr Evil-Eye's son, how can he be - oh no I've gone cross-eyed.
ELROND: I suggest you don't worry about this sort of thing. Just try and enjoy yourself. *to camera* That goes for you, too.
*Stuff happens, Scott tries to take Ring, Special Agent Gandalf falls down a large hole,
ASTIN: He shouldn't have *fallen* for that old trick?
people cry, Astin tries to hug Frodo, gets a slap. No one seems to have noticed that Legolas is a Fembot*
Fellowship in Lothlórien
ASTIN: Well hello baby, and what is your name?
GALADRIEL:: Ivana. Ivana Walkaboutlookingetherealandbeautifulinamysticalway.
ASTIN: Interesting.
GALADRIEL:: You know how ve keep varm in Lórien?
ASTIN: Ooh, I can guess baby!
GALADRIEL:: Ve look in mirrors.
ASTIN: I guessed wrong...
Fellowship in boats
FRODO: I wish the ring had never come to me, I wish none of this had ever happened.
ASTIN: Well I vanna toilet made out of solid gold, but some things just ain't on the cards, baby!
Scott and Aragorn keep bickering in a way that suggests sexual tension, and the boats have landed
ASTIN: Hey Scott, what's up?
BOROMIR: You know, we should really take that Ring to my fasser.
ASTIN: Your what?
BOROMIR: Fasser!
ASTIN: But ain't your Dad Dr Evil-Eye?
BOROMIR: Due to limited characters in Austin Powers and an excess of them in LOTR, yes.
ASTIN: Well then, how about - no! You crazy Dutch bastard... Oh no, we're being attacked!
*runs from the Uruk-Hai*
BOROMIR: Hey, evil guy, if you're trying to catch the hobbits, why don’t you just lure them with food?
LURTZ: *shoots arrow, it makes a pt-wang! sound.*
BOROMIR: Look, all I'm -
*pt-wang!*
Aragorn, will you back me up
*pt-wang*
All I -
*pt-wang!*
I just -
*pt-wang!*
Will you li-
*pt-wang!*
Ei -
*pt-wang!*
LURTZ: Knock Knock.
BOROMIR: Who's there?
LURTZ: *pt-wang!*
*Scott falls over in slow-motion and Aragorn kills Lurtz*
ARAGORN: Where is the little, and extremely big one?
BOROMIR: They took Goldmerry and Fat Bastard.
*Aragorn is now lying on top of Scott in a "respectful yet totally straight and caring way" that won't change the opinions of lots of fangirls (and guys)*
BOROMIR: That *is* your sword, right?
ARAGORN: Oh, yeah.
BOROMIR: Ok.
*dum dee dum*
ARAGORN: Shouldn't something happen?
BOROMIR: Oh yeah - "I failed, I'm a bad person, forgive me"
ARAGORN: No, you were only tempted... I know things can be very.... tempting.
BOROMIR: I'm going to die, aren't I?
ARAGORN: Well, yes, you have been shot with 8 arrows.
(off) ASTIN: I think he got, the point?
BOROMIR: Do you promise not to ... *do* anything when I'm dead?
ARAGORN: I'm Isildur's Heir! I'm betrothed to Arwen, and ... not even a kiss?
*pause*
BOROMIR: Ok, but no tongue.
ARAGORN: Deal.
BOROMIR: And wait 'til I'm dead.
ARAGORN: Of course.
Astin and Frodo somewhere high up with a nice view
ASTIN: Look ahead, there is a dangerous road... ahead.
FRODO: I hope the others find a safer road.
ASTIN: Yes. I mean, these boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do, but I don't think they were made to be volcano proof.
*shoe hits Astin*
ASTIN: Ow - that really hurt! Who throws a shoe?! Honestly.
SAURON: That would be me, Mr Powers.
ASTIN: Ahah!
SAURON: You know, we're not so different, you and I...
ASTIN: You are an evil, lidless eye wreathed in flame, and I am a swinging hippy hobbit from the grooviest pad in Hobbiton!
SAURON: Oh, right, I guess we are then.
ASTIN: Yeah.
The very strange and uncompleted conclusion - here.
Back to top
|
Counter added 25th May
  
|
|
|
